A horrible night

Last night around 5:00 Squish had anther seizure. He told me that his eyes were hurting. I should have checked his temp, but I felt him and he didn't feel warm at all. Then 20 minutes later he fell and started seizing. It was much worse than last time. I called 911 and I had to move him to another room so that I could have them on speaker phone. I needed speaker phone because he stopped breathing and turned blue. I had to do rescue breathing on him and I was scared that I would have to do chest compressions so I needed both hands. I did not have to do compressions on him and he started breathing by the time that the EMTs got here. But he took a lot longer to come back to normal this time. He kept looking at me like he didn't know who I was and he tried to talk but his words were all jumbled. We were at the hospital before he started nodding yes and no to answer questions and it was an hour and a half before he started speaking again. The doctors said that all of that is normal and they didn't do any kind of testing on him.  They were very reassuring about his recovery and said that he was doing really great by the time we left the ER and I'm glad to know that it was just a febrile seizure, but nothing about that experience was normal. Last time he has a seizure I had nightmares for weeks and I was scared to be alone with him and every time he acted even a little bit off I was terrified. I hate that all of that is going to start over again now. And I hate that I have actually had to breathe for my child, I hate that I have a tattoo of his little lifeless blue body in my head. And I really hate that this is all likely to happen to my sweet boy again.